What does your restroom say about you?

One thing that a good host needs beyond anything else is a well stocked restroom.

How do you think a guest in your home feels if there is no soap, toilet paper, hand towels and the toilet seat is hanging on by one loose bolt?

Yep, some people take a clean comfortable bathroom for granted.

I assure you I'm not one to go over to someones house as a guest and pollute their facilities, but the loo really needs to be in proper working order.

I mean heck, what is the first thing you learn from those Spanish at home tapes....Dónde está el baño....

If you have an unavoidable bathroom issue in your house like having to jiggle the handle, holding the button down for a few seconds, or having to use a coat hanger to chop up turdzilla, it's always best to let your guest know before hand so he or she can be prepared.

And for god sakes HAVE A PLUNGER READY FOR YOUR GUEST!!! I cannot emphasize this enough. Do you know how embarassing it is to come out of the restroom and have to inform your host at a dinner party that the HMS Titanic hasn't yet met her watery grave.

Which brings me to the subject of odor nullification. Some people have very efficient digestive systems which break down food and nutrients down to their base elements. In other words the smells they create could knock a buzzard off a gut truck. Have some spray, a candle, matches, or install an industrial exhaust fan. Nobody likes leaving or walking into a thick wall of palpable stench.

In all fairness, not everything is the hosts responsibility. My mother in law spackles the back of my commode to the point where I have to rent a sand blaster after she marks her territory.

Let me just go crazy for a minute here and lets suppose I walk into the restroom after you have done your duty and the soap, towel and sink are all bone dry. I'm sorry. but get your hands out of the bowl of mixed nuts you dirty sombitch. I'm throwing away everything you have touched and you are lucky I don't go hazmat on your sorry ass.

Speaking of Hazmat, I've taken an informal survey of restrooms in American restaurants.I have come up with some very definite conclusions based unfortunately on the type of establishment it is.

Chinese restaurant: Well stocked, fairly clean but dilapidated with mismatched tile, peeling paint and often doubles as a storage closet. May or may not be safe to sit down, toiliet paper can just barely be defined as such.

Indian: Clean and well stocked, often smells like lemons. It's the one room in the whole restaurant not decorated with sequined elephants.

French restaurant: Often nicely decorated with whimiscal posters and wall tiles. Soothing music piped in.

Thai restaurant: Clean, utilitarian no frills the light switch is on a timer so hurry up about it!

Mexican restaurant: Depends on the style, a large scale family eatery with fake tasteless velveeta mexican food usually has clean facilities.

Home-style Mexican restaurant with good tasty food: Filthy restroom, no soap, odd lingering smells and usually a pile of asswiped toilet paper thrown in the corner. May or may not have a chalk outline where the body used to be.

Japanese: Clean and pleasant, take off your shoes before entering.

Greek. I'm not bullshitting you. Greek restaurants and cafe's have the most spotless well maintained restrooms in the known universe. You would be hard pressed to find anything cleaner and more pleasant.

Italian: Take a little French and mix in a little Greek and voila!

American: They are cleaned on a schedule but not overly so, the locks on the stalls are usually broken but there is plenty of poetry and graphic illustration for your reading pleasure.